As the council took up its annual review of policy and procedures, several changes were proposed. Given the council's common purpose, the council altered its rules to remove the need to second motions or vote. Instead, the council now chants each motion together in a creepy monotone as a sign of unanimous adoption for every action. Meetings are dramatically shorter as a result.

Visitor Presentations, the "open mic" portion of the meeting, was moved to the end of the meeting. "This will allow visitors the chance to assimilate with the collective before deciding to speak," explained newly elected Councilmember Four of Five. "While resistance to council policy is futile, we of course welcome residents to share any divergent views, provided they first submit to the requisite tracking and identification procedures."

Embracing Technology

"The barcode and microchip will increase efficiency, by eliminating the need for check-in at future meetings," explained Councilmember Three of Five. "Our new nanoprobe-enhanced headgear features an integrated laser barcode scanner, which allows us to instantly identify any resident, and to access other pertinent information, such as how to locate them after a meeting in order to persuade them of the perfection of council policy.

"Advanced web hyper-streaming technology, implanted in the headgear and implemented in collaboration with the Suburban Cable Collective, allows us to share this information instantaneously amongst ourselves. In the future, we will make the same bio-computational interface available to city residents. Ultimately this will allow us to establish a truly perfect union, a hive-mind of all of Maplewood."

While many residents welcome the new spirit of cooperation on the city council, others remain skeptical. "Civil and productive meetings are well-known signs of socialism," complained frequent letter-writer Fanny Aasberg. "I don't care for this barcoding idea either, but if no one is even willing to challenge the constitutionality of the census, it's probably inevitable."

Implementation Delayed

"Once we work out this technical hurdle, we will be able to voluntarily apply the new hyper-streaming technology to everyone in Maplewood. And when that's done, we can look beyond our borders, using what I call 'joint powers agreements' to add the biological and technological distinctiveness of other cities to our own."

Mayor One of Five added, "A year from now, if someone asks, 'How's that resistancy-futility thing workin' out for ya?' I intend for the monotone response from every Maplewood resident to be 'YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED!'"

Knut Derrickson can be reached at Knut.Derrickson@LOLlieNews.com.