David Alexy
Staff Writer

Early this morning Will Rossbach announced his resignation from the Maplewood City Council. The move surprised his closest friends, family, and even the developers and big multinational corporations that he normally consults for instructions prior to every major life decision or city council vote.

"This morning I had an epiphany," explained Rossbach, reached on his cell phone at the Minneapolis-Saint Paul International Airport. "Ever since cutting my pony tail, I've felt something was missing from my life. Starting around midnight, I began studying Zen Buddhism, and suddenly achieved a state of transcendental enlightenment. I've decided to abandon my life-long obsession with becoming mayor of the city of Maplewood, leave everything behind, and travel to Tibet to join the resistance against Chinese communist oppression." Moments after speaking with this reporter, Rossbach was on a plane to Nepal, where he plans to hire a Sherpa guide to lead him across the Himalayas to his higher calling.

Hiroshi Abdullah Rockefeller of Diversified Foundries & Landholdings (Grand Cayman) LLC, one of the shadowy off-shore corporate entities that has long underwritten Rossbach's political career through various front organizations, reacted in shock to the news. "Maplewood has always been central to our plans for domination of the world's politico-economic system, and our ultimate goal of crushing the human spirit itself. Without Councilmember Rossbach to serve us, all our plans have been upset!" According to Rockefeller, an unprecedented secret summit is being called to respond to the crisis, bringing together for the first time the UN Security Council, the Trilateral Commission, the Bavarian Illuminati, the curators of the Super Double-Secret Vatican Archives, and several rogue judges from Minnesota's district courts.

Emergency Meeting

As world leaders and captains of industry reeled from news of the sudden void in Maplewood government, Mayor Diana Longrie convened an emergency meeting of the remaining council. Gathering in council chambers to appoint Rossbach's replacement, there was only one name on every tongue: Bob Zick.

Zick, a long time critic of just about everything that enters his field of vision, particularly Maplewood government, was considered a dark horse candidate by most observers. But as they discussed the historic moment before them, each council member had their own unique perspective on why Zick was the only reasonable choice.

"The last time Bob Zick addressed the council in visitor presentations, I admit that I got up and left the room," said Councilmember Kathleen Juenemann. "Boy was that a mistake. Fortunately, [Mayor] Diana [Longrie] gave me a Betamax videotape of his comments, and insisted that I watch it. She came over to my house and we had a 'girls' night in,' watching it with snacks like popcorn and kool-aid. It really opened my eyes to what Bob is all about, and his breathtaking vision for a better America."

"Betamax was the key," explained Mayor Longrie. "It had dawned on me that we weren't getting through to Kathy because of a technology gap." Councilmember Juenemann is known for eschewing computers and other advanced electronic devices. "Once we found a way to communicate Bob's inspirational message through pre-1980 technology, it changed everything."

As for her own support of Zick, among other topics, Longrie can't seem to stop talking. "Bob Zick is the one person I love more than my husband, my children, my background as a scientist, my law degree. While I know I am not worthy to receive the same feelings back from him, the least I can do is give him any power I can. I actually thought about resigning my seat as mayor with the hope that he would be appointed to fill the spot, but even mindless adoration has its limits."

Freshman councilmember John Nephew was another recent convert to the Zick fan club. "I don't know how I could have misunderstood Bob for so long," he murmured while gazing thoughtfully in the distance. "Maybe I harbored some resentment as a result of misreading his 100% constructive criticisms as personal attacks. I mean, the man once compared me to Columbo; how could I not feel honored by that? Whatever clouded my vision, I was failing to hear his inspirational message of hope. Now I understand at last -- and I have to say, mentally speaking, he really is in a category all his own." Nephew stopped to sip his drink. "By the way, have you tried this? I normally drink coffee, but someone has switched all the beverages in city hall with this super-sweet drink that has sort of a grape-like flavor. I can't get enough of it now."

"I think Bob Zick is just a wonderful man, so very wonderful," burbled Councilmember Erik Hjelle. "I'll bet you two restaurant gift cards he will bring at least 300 good paying jobs to Maplewood! Besides, what the hell harm can he do?"

Questions Dismissed

Local gadfly Stephan Flister, who runs a website called maplewoodvoices.com, questioned Zick's appointment on the basis of residency. Hjelle dismisses the concern. "Bob may have a legal address in North Saint Paul, but I think he rents a mailbox somewhere in Maplewood. That's good enough for me, and it would be good for anyone who doesn't have an ultra-liberal, anti-American agenda like Stephan Flister. Besides, if anyone sues us over it, I'm pretty sure we still have insurance, so it doesn't matter that the local judges all have personal grudges against the city. All judges, you know, are brain-damaged morons and Communists."

The reactions of other residents were overwhelmingly positive. "Mr. Zick such a nice man, a true hero of the people," said resident Fanny Aasberg. "Ever since learning about his TV show from him mentioning it repeatedly at council meetings, I've been a loyal viewer. It's so hard to find his brand of positive, constructive and uplifting message in the wasteland of television political commentary. Plus, I've heard that he lives in some kind of cardboard box somewhere along White Bear Avenue, and that tells me that we can trust him -- he's obviously not in the pocket of big money interests."

Local political activist Schaeff Delling agrees. "It's hard to imagine Mr. Zick winning an actual election nowadays. That takes too much money and stuff. But this appointment is a smart end run around the mess of campaigning, ballots, voting, and so on, which so often get in the way of the will of the people."

New Agendas

It's still just his first day in office, and Zick is already flexing his leadership on the newly reconstituted council.

The first proposal that the council is considering is Zick's plan to eliminate all city jobs that involve any managerial duties whatsoever. "This is long overdue," said Mayor Longrie. "This reorganization will serve to increase accountability by giving the city council direct managerial authority over each individual city employee that remains. We're all extraordinary professionals in our fields -- I'm a lawyer, John makes games, Erik sells insurance, Kathy speaks French, and Bob of course hosts a cable access TV show. Who could know better than us how to tell these people how to do their jobs?" Nephew, whose campaign was sharply critical of the city reorganization implemented in 2006, today has no reservations about endorsing Zick's proposal. "Of course I need to check with the union bosses who bankrolled my victory last fall, but I can't imagine why they wouldn't love this plan as much as I do."

Other goals that Zick has outlined and the council is rallying behind include the elimination of all taxes and fees, returning city parks and neighborhood preserves to their previous private landowners, eliminating time limits for citizen comments at council meetings, and changing the rules for visitor presentations at meetings so that only non-residents will be allowed to speak.

"Change is always good," opined Mayor Longrie, "and I know that these bold new changes will usher in a level of citizen involvement greater than we've ever seen before in Maplewood city government."

David Alexy can be reached at David.Alexy@LOLlieNews.com.