Local resident Fanny Aasberg was the first to make a stink about the city's proposal. "The same methane collector has been servicing me for fifty years, and I'm not sure I'm comfortable replacing him with a stranger." Another resident, Ann Rant, let one fly at the City Council, saying they were "just like Hitler," a conclusion she based on hearing the term "gas chamber" mentioned in the staff presentation.

Then Dookie Circus, a lawyer representing the National Smelly Wind Management Association, dropped a bomb on the proposal. "It's a fundamental constitutional right, right there in the Articles of Confabulation, for citizens to manage their own methane emissions, in the time and place of their choosing."

He added, tooting his own horn, that he could easily convince the methane haulers he represents to drop their objections if all residents were required to buy their services, and city government promised to make no effort whatsoever to monitor or restrict the prices they charge. "Consumers know that unregulated markets lead to monopolies, and that leads to the best profit margins for the mega-corporations that undercut or buy out their competitors. In other words, choice equals value. America! Apple pie! No Communism!"

As wrinkled noses among the council showed this rhetorical approach to have backfired, he cracked, "Just gimme a hint. What's gonna work on you guys?"

City Council Weighs In

Councilmember Juenemann, widely considered the most environmentally anal-retentive councilmember, expounded on the planetary impacts of unrestrained methane. "It blew me away to learn that methane is 20 times more powerful a greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide, and remains in the atmosphere for 9 to 15 years as a lethal cloud. There is an enormous public interest in managing gaseous intestinal by-products. Because methane can be used as a renewable energy, efficient methane collection is also a way to reduce our reliance on fossil fuels."

Marv Koppen, who faces re-election this year, blasted his colleagues in dissent. "Not only do I oppose this resolution," he fumed, simultaneously holding up a sign recruiting campaign volunteers, "but I think we need to move in the other direction. That's why I'm spilling the beans now that I plan to introduce an ordinance to bring 'open plowing' to the city of Maplewood. Each household should have freedom of choice to decide which private firm clears snow from the 50 feet of street directly in front of their home. Eliminating snowplowing from the public works budget will save the taxpayers bazillions!"

Change is in the Air

A few lingerers cleared the council chamber as Councilmember James Llanas, seeming to speak for the whole council, expressed relief that the contentious hearing had finally passed.

"Now can someone please crack a window?"

Rory Lane can be reached at Rory.Lane@LOLlieNews.com.